Bob Ross:  Supervillain

By all accounts, the late artist and inspiration to countless thousands of amateur painters was a true sweetheart, just like he came across on television.  But what if he decided one day “I’ve had it up to my ‘fro with the public.  No more Mister Nice Guy!”?  His program spiels may have taken a very dark turn.

“Remember my little pocket squirrel?  He was delicious!

“Here’s something a loser like you will never be able to duplicate.”

“Now take your fan brush and really load it up with paint.  Then shove it up your ass.”

“These big old oaks are great for painting swastikas on.”

“As a young man, I met Pablo Picasso.  Like all Spaniards, he was a total douchebag.”


*displays photo of viewer’s artwork*

“Here’s a painting by Shirley Mead of Des Moines. It looks like she puked on her canvas.”

*displays another*

“Mike Oswald of Lima, Ohio, sent this in.  I’m not sure if he’s color-blind or retarded.  Maybe both.”


“Here’s what I call ‘an UNhappy accident,’ the one mistake I’ve never been able to correct”

*introduces his son*


“This is a forest I visited in Maine.  Before I set it on fire.”

“Rembrandt painted before slavery was abolished.  The good old days.”

“In my off-TV time, I paint pornographic images—of yo’ mama.”

“I hold seminars across the country during the summer.  You should see the sad sacks that attend them.”

“Be sure to practice, practice, practice.  You suck now.”

“This looks a lot like where I buried those campers I stabbed.”

“Think I’ll add a shitty cabin right about here, so you’ll follow suit and screw up your painting.”

“Whenever I see a lake like this while hiking, I always make sure to poison the fish.”

“Andy Warhol should have been painting pansies, if you get my drift.”

“You can’t tell at home, but I just cut a fart that smells lie a dumpster behind a seafood store.”

“Because a lot of you twerps requested I paint this guy, we’re going to do something different today.”

*goes over to model dressed as Batman, knees him in the groin*


“Got interviewed for The View last Tuesday.  That Barbara Walters is really into anal.”